Saturday, October 29, 2011
my own personal wipe out...
i always said i wanted to do walks/runs for charity. i finally signed up for one. the malibu dirt dash. i ran a 5k...partly in the mud, while cashel and jason had some fun of their own before doing a kids fun run...check it out....
playing catch up
Thursday, October 20, 2011
what? no september post?
omg. no september post. i'm making a promise to my elderly self to post some video or pictures soon.
hang on old lady.
hang on old lady.
the power?
"i want mama!"
"i want mama!"
"mama, mama, mama! not daddy!"
i should feel good about this, right? special? no one loves me more?
all of that is true....except i'm a working mother who has to be somewhere by 8am.
it's tough.
two issues here.
1) cashel does not go to sleep by himself. full disclosure here - we lay down with him until he falls asleep. it wasn't always this way. you know who might say i created this situation and i will say otherwise. getting into bed with cashel in the middle of the night to sleep with him (cuddle because it's AWESOME) is one thing but actually creating a situation where he must fall asleep with one of us is another. i did NOT create that situation - it created itself. i won't say anymore for fear of divorce. like many parents who try to convince their children that all children get rid of pacifiers by age ___ we're starting in on "all little boys and girls starting going to sleep by themselves at 3 years old. wish us luck.
2) cashel is completely, totally, obsessed with my freckle. i have a freckle on the right side of my face (a mole really) that i've had forever. i never paid it any attention until one day cashel discovered it and has, literally, been obsessed ever since. he rubs it. he caresses it. it's the security blanket he never attached to and it's attached to my body.
when i sleep with cashel (hey! no judgement!) i sleep to his left which means, when we cuddle (which he LOVES by the way...ok...me too) i am laying on my right side with my face facing him. he often has his finger on my freckle and says "mommy, you're hurting me" because my face is squishing his hand. what do i do? i turn my neck to face the ceiling. crazy, right? it's uncomfortable as heck! i've started saying things like, my freckle needs a break cashel. no more touching mommy's freckle OR i turn over so that it's more comfortable for me and he can still touch my freckle.
it's absurd. i'll admit. but it really does bring him comfort. we were at a play date a few weeks ago and i was talking to another mom about this. later on in the playdate cashel was upset about something, crawled into my lap and started rubbing my freckle and the mom noticed! "he goes straight for the freckle, huh?" she says. yep.
this morning cashel was having a particularly bad morning for some unknown reason. he was crying...sobbing...having to catch his breath. jason was explaining to him that i had to get ready for work. here's a sampling of how this generally goes:
cashel: "waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! i want mama!"
jason: "cashel, can you calm down and tell me what's wrong?"
cashel: "waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
jason: "hey bud, what's wrong? can you use your words?"
cashel: "i want mama!"
jason: "cashel, mama has to get ready for work."
cashel: "mama won't let me touch her freckle and i need to."
this is how it goes.
it HAS become a source of power.
me: "cashel....if you get in your car seat right NOW i'll let you touch my freckle."
sad really, but i often feel like the bad cop these days and i'll do what i have to to get things done and have him still love me. i've heard age 3 to 4 is harder. our friend greg has reassured us that it doesn't get any easier.
yey.
"i want mama!"
"mama, mama, mama! not daddy!"
i should feel good about this, right? special? no one loves me more?
all of that is true....except i'm a working mother who has to be somewhere by 8am.
it's tough.
two issues here.
1) cashel does not go to sleep by himself. full disclosure here - we lay down with him until he falls asleep. it wasn't always this way. you know who might say i created this situation and i will say otherwise. getting into bed with cashel in the middle of the night to sleep with him (cuddle because it's AWESOME) is one thing but actually creating a situation where he must fall asleep with one of us is another. i did NOT create that situation - it created itself. i won't say anymore for fear of divorce. like many parents who try to convince their children that all children get rid of pacifiers by age ___ we're starting in on "all little boys and girls starting going to sleep by themselves at 3 years old. wish us luck.
2) cashel is completely, totally, obsessed with my freckle. i have a freckle on the right side of my face (a mole really) that i've had forever. i never paid it any attention until one day cashel discovered it and has, literally, been obsessed ever since. he rubs it. he caresses it. it's the security blanket he never attached to and it's attached to my body.
when i sleep with cashel (hey! no judgement!) i sleep to his left which means, when we cuddle (which he LOVES by the way...ok...me too) i am laying on my right side with my face facing him. he often has his finger on my freckle and says "mommy, you're hurting me" because my face is squishing his hand. what do i do? i turn my neck to face the ceiling. crazy, right? it's uncomfortable as heck! i've started saying things like, my freckle needs a break cashel. no more touching mommy's freckle OR i turn over so that it's more comfortable for me and he can still touch my freckle.
it's absurd. i'll admit. but it really does bring him comfort. we were at a play date a few weeks ago and i was talking to another mom about this. later on in the playdate cashel was upset about something, crawled into my lap and started rubbing my freckle and the mom noticed! "he goes straight for the freckle, huh?" she says. yep.
this morning cashel was having a particularly bad morning for some unknown reason. he was crying...sobbing...having to catch his breath. jason was explaining to him that i had to get ready for work. here's a sampling of how this generally goes:
cashel: "waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! i want mama!"
jason: "cashel, can you calm down and tell me what's wrong?"
cashel: "waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
jason: "hey bud, what's wrong? can you use your words?"
cashel: "i want mama!"
jason: "cashel, mama has to get ready for work."
cashel: "mama won't let me touch her freckle and i need to."
this is how it goes.
it HAS become a source of power.
me: "cashel....if you get in your car seat right NOW i'll let you touch my freckle."
sad really, but i often feel like the bad cop these days and i'll do what i have to to get things done and have him still love me. i've heard age 3 to 4 is harder. our friend greg has reassured us that it doesn't get any easier.
yey.
Monday, October 10, 2011
lost
i am...
somewhere between telling my students "get your homework out'...and they listen...and "cashel, let's get your pj's on"....and he doesn't listen
somewhere between walking the dogs for my pleasure and walking my dogs for their pleasure
somewhere between being the wife who wants to cook dinner and the wife who wants to order in
somewhere between being able to take a nap on a saturday afternoon and sucking it up and cleaning the house
somewhere between making the time to work out and actually working out
somewhere between knowing i should start christmas shopping, birthday shopping, thanksgiving planning and actually doing it
somewhere between wanting to write this right now and wanting to shut the computer and watch tv
somewhere between cashel saying "mommy, sleep with me" and my papers saying "grade me"
somewhere between feeling like i'm a good mama, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher and being all of those things....
somewhere between telling my students "get your homework out'...and they listen...and "cashel, let's get your pj's on"....and he doesn't listen
somewhere between walking the dogs for my pleasure and walking my dogs for their pleasure
somewhere between being the wife who wants to cook dinner and the wife who wants to order in
somewhere between being able to take a nap on a saturday afternoon and sucking it up and cleaning the house
somewhere between making the time to work out and actually working out
somewhere between knowing i should start christmas shopping, birthday shopping, thanksgiving planning and actually doing it
somewhere between wanting to write this right now and wanting to shut the computer and watch tv
somewhere between cashel saying "mommy, sleep with me" and my papers saying "grade me"
somewhere between feeling like i'm a good mama, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher and being all of those things....
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
compassion
i have another post i was working on. but something has come up.
yesterday i received a facebook message from a my friend maria that an la mom we both know (she knows her much better than me) has had a loss in her family.
her husband died on saturday of a brain tumor.
i'm gonna call the woman who's husband died tessa to be respectful and protect her privacy.
this was not exactly unexpected. i remembered going to a cook out on a sunday afternoon about a year ago, maybe a little longer, and meeting tessa's husband. it was, maybe, a month later that i found out that they had just found out that he had brain cancer. some type of rare kind. my heart went out to them.
i had only met tessa once or twice before then. i joined a mom's group in la when we first moved here and tessa was also a member. i really only know her through her facebook posts.
the thing is, they have a three year old boy and tessa just gave birth mid-august to a baby girl. i can't imagine what this family has been going through and what they will go through. i can't seem to get it out of my mind. the compassion i have for her is so much. one can't help but look at situations like this with a tinge of looking at it with respect to their own lives. since cashel is almost three i can only imagine what tessa's conversations are like with her son about what has been happening with his dad and what happened on saturday. the conversations yet to come. the same for her daughter, although i would imagine these conversations will be equally tough but different since the baby is so young right now. postpartum hormones. that must compound everything. his mom and dad and the loss of a child.
i just feel so much for this family that i barely know.
yesterday i received a facebook message from a my friend maria that an la mom we both know (she knows her much better than me) has had a loss in her family.
her husband died on saturday of a brain tumor.
i'm gonna call the woman who's husband died tessa to be respectful and protect her privacy.
this was not exactly unexpected. i remembered going to a cook out on a sunday afternoon about a year ago, maybe a little longer, and meeting tessa's husband. it was, maybe, a month later that i found out that they had just found out that he had brain cancer. some type of rare kind. my heart went out to them.
i had only met tessa once or twice before then. i joined a mom's group in la when we first moved here and tessa was also a member. i really only know her through her facebook posts.
the thing is, they have a three year old boy and tessa just gave birth mid-august to a baby girl. i can't imagine what this family has been going through and what they will go through. i can't seem to get it out of my mind. the compassion i have for her is so much. one can't help but look at situations like this with a tinge of looking at it with respect to their own lives. since cashel is almost three i can only imagine what tessa's conversations are like with her son about what has been happening with his dad and what happened on saturday. the conversations yet to come. the same for her daughter, although i would imagine these conversations will be equally tough but different since the baby is so young right now. postpartum hormones. that must compound everything. his mom and dad and the loss of a child.
i just feel so much for this family that i barely know.
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